By Naagha Shyamala R
“When I’m stuck in a problematic situation, my first thought is not ‘I can call my parents’, it’s ‘I have to call my parents’”, is what I told my therapist in my latest therapy session while discussing my fears and risk-taking abilities. When I said that out loud, I realised how strange it was, especially in a collectivist and predominantly family-oriented society. The reflective questions that followed led me to realise the patterns in the conversations in Indian families. In adverse situations, the conversation starts with blaming the children for putting themselves in that situation, subsequently leading to a condescending “I told you so” and ending with significantly restricting and restraining their autonomy. “I’ll call your parents” is more often used as a threat in educational institutions than as a care response. The underlying pattern behind this irony in a family-oriented society is the lack of a dialogic culture.
A collectivistic society like India in which a family is considered to be a primary social institution, the assumption is that it forms a valuable support system (Chadda & Deb, 2013). However, a prolonged lack of exposure to dialogue and a non-dialogic space being the norm has made the environment around which our lives evolve, counterproductive. Several child development theories have emphasised the importance of dialogue between parents and children for their holistic development that includes their cognitive development, social skills, decision making and problem solving abilities, risk-taking abilities, self-esteem etc. These developmental aspects play an important role in their functioning well into their adulthood (Gonawala & Choudhury, n.d.) (Parenting, n.d.) (Moore, 2011).
Child Development Theories and Parental Interaction
Vygotsky’s Theory explains the role of guided social interactions in cognitive and socio-cultural development of children, which predominantly starts with parental interaction (Moore, 2011). A research conducted by the University of Florida found that mother’s interaction can inspire learning even when the child is in the womb (UF Research Shows Mother’s Voice Can Inspire Learning in the Womb – UF Health, n.d.). While psychological theories and subsequent research emphasise the importance of social interactions in the holistic development of children, the cultural reality is often very different.
A dialogue between parents and children are only recently evolving due to modern day mindset shifts, but the foundation has been non-dialogic for several generations where a dialogic response is often labelled as “talking back”, which in turn is considered disrespectful in a family-oriented society laden with hierarchy. According to this hierarchy, the decisions were often made by the family member on top of the pyramid and passed down to the other family members to execute and follow. This absence of dialogue leads to a lack of autonomy and personal learnings and very often, even identity crisis, when transitioning into a different environment.
Parent-Child Interaction Therapy
A recent study by a Harvard and MIT PhD student also shows that the dialogue between parents and children, when focused on quality interaction rather than quantity of words, has a biological impact on children’s brain development (Romeo et al., 2018). But this can work only if the interaction includes an expectation and acknowledgement of a response from the children, to which the parents respond back in a healthy manner. A monologic speech towards the children or neglect/ignorance/cold treatment towards their responses and behaviour, causes a gap in the communication and information resulting in a significant gap in understanding. This can also lead to a poor parent-child relationship, which again according to the child development theories, is a fundamental foundation for holistic development including relationship building, peer navigation, decision making ability, behaviour development, self-esteem etc (Raghavan, n.d.) (Gonawala & Choudhury, n.d.).
The Parent-Child Interaction Therapy is an evidence-based practice developed based on the above theories to ensure behaviour development and management of children. This approach has two phases namely the child-directed interaction and parent-directed interaction. This intervention ensures that the interaction has a balanced space for both the child and the parent, thus creating a harmonious relationship in the process which can be leveraged to manage the behaviour of the child (Lieneman et al., 2017). Though this therapy has been predominantly used for children with disruptive behaviour, it improves the parent-child relationship and helps bridge the gap in understanding between them.
Parental Interaction and Mental Health
Parental Interaction at a regular frequency with the children in a dialogic manner, where there is a space for active listening, reflecting and responding, ensures that the relationship with the child develops in a healthy manner from their early years. This correlates with the implication that a family-oriented society can act as a strong social support system, especially in terms of mental health conditions for people in a country like India where medical and institutional care resources are scarce and often inaccessible (Chadda & Deb, 2013).
However, on the contrary, according to the recent data on suicidal deaths in India, the suicidal rates have been at an all time high to 12 death per 100,000 population and 66% of these are committed by young people between the ages of 18 and 45. The leading cause of suicides have been recorded as family problems (33.2%). Among this, the share of student suicides has gone up by 70% in the past decade (Share of Students Among Suicide Victims in India Grew 70% Over Past Decade, NCRB Data Shows, n.d.). Suicide is an ultimate and clear indicator of a person’s struggle with mental health. However, more often than not, the symptoms are invisible or misread by the family. Academic pressure and the inability to face their families in case of failure or struggles has been a significant contributing factor in their suicides (Gull, 2023).
Kota in Rajasthan is a leading district for competitive exams coaching centres. With their packed academic schedule, strict adherence to it and very often an expectation to meet impossible standards of perfection and scores, these centres amplify the pressure that is already placed by the families on students. A recent breather to the scary suicide numbers of students is the Kota special student cell intervention led by Kota ASP, Chandrasheel Thakur. It is a simple initiative where the police personnel who are a part of the special student cell offer a listening ear to the distressed students and if need be, refer them to counselling services (Mani, 2023). This is exactly the dialogue that would have been lacking between those students and their parents.
From Kota ‘factories’ to the under-resourced schools I have come across, a pattern that has been similar is that the academic pressure these students go through is often due to a lack of space for expressing themselves, their interests or at the least, their disinterests. The lack of a safe space for these dialogues and the lack of awareness to even recognise the need for a dialogue, restricts them from exploring their interests and channelling their potential in a healthy manner. When the students are forced into conventional academic pursuits and lack awareness and access to healthy and productive channels to develop their potential, it either keeps them in survival mode to remain a mediocre student or diverts them towards unhealthy channels where their potential and well-being is negatively affected. From a part-time musician who makes conscious efforts to hide his music pursuits from his parents to a child who was locked up in her house for expressing interest in playing football and to all the students who have gone till the verge of suicides, lack a safe space for a healthy dialogue which petrifies them to express their thoughts, feelings and emotions to their parents and seek help, support and guidance. The fear becomes their classical conditioning affecting their autonomy, making decision making extremely difficult and hindering them from seeking help when they are in serious trouble.
Dialogic Shifts in Families
The recent trends, however, are showing a positive shift in parental interactions as most parents are showing an interest in learning more about parenting. This is also resulting in a collaborative effort between parents and teachers to ensure positive interactions with the child that aids them in their learning and education (Kambouri et al., 2022). Additionally, the willingness of parents to adopt unconventional, creative ways in bringing up their children nowadays, unlike a decade ago, is a good sign that can ensure creating a safespace for the children in their families (Pandemic Effect, n.d.). Intervention programs that support the parents in child development are also growing and they often incorporate various activities that ensure a dialogic and interactive space between parents and children (de Wit et al., 2018). A dialogic culture built within the recent parenting evolutions and interventions can not only prevent extreme negative effects in children but can also finally make the characteristic of a family-oriented society into a reality – being a valuable support system.
Establishing the dialogic culture in families, will enable parents to shift from emphasising their positions as commands and expecting their children to comply to actually sharing their interests which, most of the time, actually rise from the interests of the child in consideration. This will also enable the children to express their actual interests and their perspectives which can result in a healthy resolution. The issue of the “generational” gap that evolves in different ways between each different generation is simply due to the lack of empathy towards each generation. The gap can be filled by uncovering the perspectives and the information about where the perspective is coming from. A dialogic family focuses on sharing of interests rather than switching the interests, which makes it safer for the multiple stakeholders connected to each other and each family member to create a warm, supportive and value positive environment within their own ecosystem.
References
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2. de Wit, E. E., Adithy, Chakranarayan, C., Bunders, J., & Regeer, B. (2018). Learning About Parenting Together: A Programme to Support Parents with Inter-generational Concerns in Pune, India. Contemporary Family Therapy, 40. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-017-9429-7
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